Today is the First of Many

Dear Little Riceling,

I gave you the name Little Riceling because you aren't here yet, although I have wanted and hoped for you for over a year you aren't here yet. I don't know if you will come in the conventional way or adoption down the road but I do know that you are wanted. You will be an answer to prayer no matter what. 

This past weekend was Mother's Day, the first time I really felt your absence. Most days seeing other babies or pregnant women is fairly easy, the pain lasts only momentarily but I know one day God will give me you Little Riceling. (I just wish He would hurry up sometimes) However, on Mother's Day this year it lasted longer. When I started trying I expected based on my family history that I would be able to celebrate this year as a mother or a mom-to-be, but that was not the case. I know when you get here you will be beautifully and wonderfully made. I know that God will give you to me at His time and not my own. 

I found out about 3 months after trying to have you that I will not have an easy time. I found out I have PCOS and that although it is not impossible (for nothing is impossible with God) it was unlikely without medical help to have you. After a year of trying with minimal and first line medication with this condition I have been unsuccessful. I will be moving onto the next step. The next step is a different medication and after joining an online group I have found that for a lot of people out there has been unsuccessful. I am continuing to pray and trust God that this will work for me. I'm trying to take care of myself better to prepare for you and be able to take better care of you.

I love you Little Riceling, 

Your Mother